“Totally Sleazy Ex-Coach” Ruins Recruitnik’s Signing Day

According to a recruitnik in a sports bar, a “totally sleazy ex-coach” who had moved on to a rival school completely ruined said recruitnik’s National Signing Day by luring away what should’ve been a key component of this year’s class.

“I know he lied and cheated,” the recruitnik said emphatically. “Ain’t no doubt in my mind he gave that kid a li’l sumpin’ sumpin’ extra, if y’know what I mean. I read that story about the bagman, y’know.”

When asked about whether he thought this same coach had lied and cheated during his previous stint at the recruitnik’s school, he said, “Course not. We’d never allow that kind of cheatin’. Naw, man, we made him walk the straight ‘n’ narrow, but as soon as he went to that other school, he showed his true colors.”

The recruitnik then proceeded to go on a long, rambly tirade that featured words like “Tunsilectomy” and “bagmen”.

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ESPN Awards 2016 National Championship to Michigan. Season Over.

Because you just can’t do preseason early enough, ESPN elected to get it all out of the way and award Michigan the 2016 National Championship.

“Well, we already knew they would be preseason #1 and we really didn’t want the narrative to get screwed up this time, like it did last year when we were sure about Ohio State,” says ESPN spokesperson.

When reminded that ESPN had called OSU, “The greatest team of all time” last year,  they responded with, “That was so 2015.”